The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, 'Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly.'
The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory he found a note from the Monsignor:
1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the Cross as the 'Big T'.
5. The recommended grace before meals is not 'Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!'.
6. We do not refer to our Savior, Jesus Christ and his Apostles as 'J.C. and the Boys'.
7. David slew Goliath, he did not 'Kick the shit out of him'.
8. Moses parted the water at the Red Sea, he didn't pass water.
9. We don't refer to Judas as 'El Finko'.
10. The Pope is consecrated, not castrated, and we don't refer to him as 'The Godfather'.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, 'Take this and eat it, for it is my body', he did not say 'Eat me'.
12. David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he wasn't 'stoned off his ass'.
13. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as 'Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook'.
14. It is always the Virgin Mary, never 'Mary with the Cherry'.
15. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a Taffy-Pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling contest at St. Taffy's.