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Next time you think you have had a bad day at work, think about this
guy.Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of
Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below
is an e-mail he sent to his
sister. She sent it to Laughline and won the contest. (He wasn't thrilled
with her for that one.)

April 1998

"Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I
had a bad day at the office. I know you've been
feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you
to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must boreyou with a few
technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the
sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the
water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:We have a diesel
powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water
out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to
the diver through a garden hose which is taped to theair hose.
Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with
no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I
take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole
suit with warm
water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch.
Soof course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.Within a few
seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the
damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water
machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had
that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish
couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I
scratched what I
thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I
informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His
instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers
were laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing
in-waterdecompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the
surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing
nothing but my brass helmet.My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I
got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed
me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my ass" when I get in the
chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days
because my assholewas swollen shut.I later found out that this could easily
have been prevented if the suctionhose was placed on the leeward side of the
ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think
about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up
your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope
this will make them more tolerable.
 

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